The Crumbling King
I pursue the path of abdication, of no power.
I am powerless.
I'm not good enough.
I'm afraid that I'm worthless.
I believe that I don't have value.
I don't value myself.
I feel passive, dependent, and inferior.
I abdicate myself and abandon my world.
I won't take responsibility
for myself or my life.
I refuse or am not capable
of ruling and leading
myself or my world.
I need you
to take responsibility
for areas of my life.
I hide and make excuses.
I make up elaborate stories
how it is not my fault.
I blame you
for my dysfunction.
I cannot heal myself or
bring myself to wholeness.
I am cannot hold my inner realm
or love, accept and integrate all parts of myself.
I will not look within, so I do not know myself.
I am all fragmented; I'm in bits.
I can't put myself back together.
I won't evolve and mature myself.
There is no point.
I lost myself long ago, little by little.
No one noticed. I hardly noticed myself.
There is no point in thinking I can evolve.
“Depression can be a form of self hatred.
We don't feel comfortable in our own skin.”
Michele Mcknight Baker
I do not love myself.
I don't love myself. I have a hole in my heart.
I hate myself.
I do not manifest the power of love,
and I don't love the world.
To love makes me vulnerable, and I can't bear that.
I will be hurt, and my heart will be broken again.
It is better that I love no one.
I have no inner peace.
My fetid heart is broken, and my spirit is crushed. All the degrading trauma from my childhood
is unattended and running riot inside me.
"I am good at walking away.
Rejection teaches you how to reject."
“That is the way it is with a wound.
The wound begins to close in on itself,
to protect what is hurting so much.
And once it is closed,
you no longer see what is underneath,
what started the pain.”
I don't have a King's Calling, or if I do,
I don't believe I can manifest it.
My abdication and inability to live
according to my King's guiding light
has disastrous consequences for my Kingdom.
The land dies, the sun's rays weaken,
winter grips the land.
I cannot manifest my gifts. I have no genius.
I hide my gifts. I will never fulfil my potential.
I am imperfectly mediocre.
I have a cheap suit and a pointless, irrelevant job.
relaxed and effortless,
I seemed to have laid me down
in the dried-up bed of a great river;
I heard a flood loosened
in remote mountains,
I felt the torrent come;
to rise I had no will,
to flee I had no strength.”
“Don't you see? The catastrophe is me.
My very existence is an affront to everything
that is natural and good.”
I am not authentic.
Because I am inadequate and afraid of rejection,
I try and hide who I am behind a mask.
I feel like an imposter. I impersonate life.
I do not believe in myself.
I don't trust myself.
I know I am not good enough, can't do it and am terrified of failure.
I live in a suffocating prison of my insecurities. I have low self-esteem.
I am a failure. I am not successful and cannot generate abundance.
I am a disappointment to myself. I cannot create the life I want.
I have let myself down.
I have no ambition.
I sell out. I betray myself for an easy life.
I take the softest option.
I do not tell or hold the truth.
I am hiding because I fear my flaws will be exposed.
I keep hidden and isolated.
I have secrets. I hide. I am corrupt.
I take bribes, cheat and lie.
I cannot change.
I have no destination.
I don't know where I would go, or why I would go there.
“My life is
a perfect graveyard
of buried hopes.”
“Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.”
I cannot make choices.
I am shamefully indecisive.
I am confused and lost.
I cannot lead.
I abandon my leadership for yours.
I choke up. I cannot speak out.
I can't speak up.
I can't put myself forward.
I can't make my views known.
I am afraid to speak my truth.
I do not listen.
I am too wrapped up in my own problems.
I am an absent father.
I do not hold my family.
I am not present when I am around.
I am absent.
I do not mentor others.
I need them to mentor me.
I am weak.
I'm passive and inferior to you,
so I go to great lengths to get you to nurture and support me.
Our plans miscarry
because they have no aim.
When a man does not know
what harbour he is making for,
No wind is the right wind.
Of all the infirmities we have,
The most savage is to despise our being.
Michel De Montaigne
I destroy hope and faith.
It takes so much strength and courage to go on living.
I have no reason for living.
I leave no legacy.
The future has no meaning for me.
I will leave nothing good for the coming generations.
I am not present. I am disassociated.
It's awful here. I cannot bear it. I escape to get away from myself.
I create darkness and despair.
I am depressed, despairing, stagnated, old too early, and over the hill.
I cannot bless myself or anyone else.
I am not wanted. People don't like me.
I carry the failure, the disappointment, and all the shit that no one else wants.
I feel blamed, excluded, shunned, and avoided.
I am dominated by fear and shame.
I am paralysed, fearful.
My constant fear and shame mean that I cannot protect my Kingdom,
so confusion, chaos, and destruction rule.
"People label themselves with all sorts of adjectives.
I can only pronounce myself as 'nauseatingly miserable beyond repair'."
There is ultimately only one thing that makes human beings
Deeply and profoundly bitter,
And that is to have thrust upon them
A life without meaning.
Laurens van der Post